| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2008|08:40 pm] |
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people piss me off a lot lately, and i can't help but wonder what am i doing to contribute to that. i suppose being unfriendly yet polite has its drawbacks... |
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| your freedom is infridging on my own freedom |
[Dec. 9th, 2007|10:25 pm] |
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i was thinking that perhaps our nation generally loves the idea of freedom, but in real working matters they are quite afraid of it. the idea seemed to fit my fancy considering my opinions on how thick hypocrisies run in our society. the abstract originated from all these special interest groups; primarily religious, and how they are shaping this country. on further musing, it isn't that they are afraid of freedom itself, but perhaps they are afraid of other people's freedoms. this is more in line in how fundamental conservatives seek to strip away "the rights" of others who's freedoms are in conflict of their own. there seems to be two main currents of incentive in todays political wars: the conflict of who's freedom and the easiest culprit $$$. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2007|12:52 am] |
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i've been thinking about painting and a better way to teach it than the standard way academia does it. i remember how it was when i took those beginning classes and how unthrilled i was about attending as though it was the most uncreative processes. i keep challenging the idea that a beginning course can provide both a beginning technical practice and also be creative. spending 2 hrs drawing/painting a naked person in the early morning didn't really seem to foster any of the two for me. i feel somehow fortunate to find myself painting now rather so much then. if i was some how forced to teach drawing and/or painting how would i do it? i would gear my syllibi towards creative ways to learn the basics; creative in the means of an individual approach rather than an imposed academy structure--creative tools is how i would sell it. i would like to think more about this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2007|10:03 pm] |
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i keep feeling that i'm not working hard enough, which i think is due to never having anything done, but i have to keep reminding myself about my objectives. ( Read more... ) |
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| the drinking elixir |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|12:23 am] |
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i've been in the drinking mood, and as well, in the writing mood--good old me. the topic i feel incline to devulge in is art and why i like it. ( Read more... ) |
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| i hope i handled this alright |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|05:06 pm] |
___, have I given up on you?
I was asked this weekend, who was the most anti-social person I know, and I said, my Chinese friend, an artist. He loves being alone with his art. He only goes to work to make cash for his art and he only interacts with people to observe them and put them in his art.
But then I'm reading about East and Southeast Asia in economic anthropology, and thinking of you and of potential conversations I could bring up about the varieties of social, political, economic organizations there over time and among different populations and then, the essentialized monolithic stereotypes of ethnic 'Asian' in America you play around with ...
yes, i stereotype all the time. as time goes by, you are becoming an imprint some remote past left on my mind.
i only wish someone can replace the most amazing sex i had with you, which was actually all we had, all the things we did and said came together at those moments of utter joy for me, when i looked in your eyes, and surrendered without fear.
take care |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|11:25 pm] |
i haven't really wanted to write in this for the longest time. i don't know; lack of motivation, insentive, or perhaps i've lost myself again. i'm really broke these days. i got a couple of jobs: serving food at Chili's and a framing at Hobby Lobby. i haven't even worked a day at either of them and i already hate my jobs. i've been making a point to work in my studio every day. i don't know what comes next. all i know is that i'll die as an artist if i don't continue to make work. ...and yes, i'm terrified. all bollocks aside, i'm trying to a mass a body of work so i can try to break into the gallery scene here. i think that will be a learning experience. i haven't had too much experience in being rejected in that scetor, but i have a feeling that i'm due. that's going to suck alright, but it's a part of the process i guess. my work is okay...good at the most, but certainly not great. i should take it day by day.
ps: i should probably give mr. worth a call, but i haven't felt like calling anyone for the matter. i need to get on some stable ground. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2006|02:22 am] |
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it's really weird to be around someone due to social obligations, who you which otherwise would not. i miss a lot of parts about her...it's like seduction...i don't know. to talk to someone who you haven't talked to individually for about a year, only within a group. it's really weird. i know i dodged a bullet, but some part of me wants to get hit. she is wreckless; i'm also wreckless. it's a bad combination, and sooner or later something was going to break. but i can't stop loving some aspects about her. it is painful to say goodbye to someone you love, but you have to. i learned that when my father died. the only difference is one is more of a condition than a choice, but w/ me and her it wasn't just one condition but a myriad of reasons. she was strong enough to see that and stick to it. i am now able to see it, and i've gotten callous enough to stick to it. the next 5 years is going to be the hardest, but i know the process of making art is a disease. it is not about being sucessful--this i've learned from being here. it's about the process of making the work, and not about making it as an artist. it's a selfish act, but ultimately there is no better investment than yourself. it will be good to get out of this place, but ultimately the hardest transition. it is different than i was when an undergrad, because there was the possibility of graduate school. it's the end of the road for school. all i have is myself and my strength to try to make it happen. i have learned that if you want to make it happen you can only count on yourself to make it so. as i get older, all i can count on is myself. the future seems a bit bleak; i can imagine myself dying alone. i can somehow live with that. if i can get my shit together, i might stand a chance of finding someone to love. those who have someone to hold and give themselves to should take a moment to reavaluate how lucky they are to have them. finding someone to love is not an easy thing to do. ...and even if they can, is the relationship realistic? i tell myself that love isn't meant to last a lot of the times, because life can be too complicated. perhaps it is not about how long you love someone, but maybe how much during a time period. i'd like to think that i have loved a life time within the short months or years shared. who knows, in another world i've loved you as long as 2 life times. in my mind, we've grown old together already. at some point, i would inevitably have to say goodbye. perhaps i don't know what i'm writing about. i wish you everything, and i respect you enough to keep a distance for the both of us. i know that you feel the same way. i will let you know before we leave this place, that you have been the single most influencial person to my work here. in that respect, i do not regret meeting you...it's just the actions shared during our separation that i most want to forget. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2006|11:21 am] |
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i want to believe that the universe is infinately huge, so that anything is possible. and when i think of my personal fictions; |
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| major life decisions |
[Jan. 16th, 2006|07:26 pm] |
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i'm not so much nervous about my MFA show...sure i want to put on a good show, but i'm also aware of what lies beyond it--that is i need to save $$$. my worries lie in what happens to me. i got an interview on the 27th to teach English in Japan. i really want that job; otherwise i don't know what to do w/ myself. one thing that worries me about he Japan thing is that i can feel my art career vanishing. i should probably just go to Seattle and set up shop, but w/ all the debt i just feel so insecure about it all. if i can do the Japan thing i can greatly reduce my debt and hopefully have a good time. maybe i can take that time to actually learn how to paint for once. |
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| insomnia |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|07:06 am] |
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i like that moment when you've stayed up too late and the sun is starting to rise. it's a moment for yourself that you can't really share, but a moment that most everyone has had. you have choices. you have a choice to keep doing what ever it is you are doing, go to sleep, or do something entirely different. you have a choice to worry about having enough sleep to carry out your day or you can simply not worry about it at all. you have choices. you may have accuses and reasons behind your choices, but choices nonetheless. top of the morning to ya. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|03:48 am] |
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man, those tablet pc's look fucking cool. think i'm going to wait until it gets saturated into the market though. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2005|01:31 am] |
i'm kinda sick...got the head-grogg from my niece--little cousin really, but i have no sibblings to ever be an uncle. i think i'm finding myself again...in absurdity. i like the skewed logic, which is much like insanity, but insanity takes itself too seriously; absurdity doesn't. absurdity and insanity doesn't have to do anything with stupidity. i think good absurdity can be quite intelligent. the definition of absurd is that it is ridiculously unreasonable, unsound, or incongruous; having no rational or orderly relationship to human life. i think for the most part that it is correct, but i think there is a certain kind of absurdity that lies within the unrational, but very close to the railing of human logic. i believe this because i think human life is very much unrational; that it is very much absurd against humankind's struggle to maintain the rational. my case in argument: infomercials. take a look at the links below. tell me human life is not absurd if not disturbing that certain individuals could take them seriously.
http://www.infomercial.tvheaven.com/miss-cleo.htm
http://www.infomercial.tvheaven.com/tomvu.htm |
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| ideas |
[Dec. 21st, 2005|03:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
spray on hair, tommy vue (woo?), and infomersials. |
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| narcissitic personality disorder |
[Dec. 20th, 2005|05:08 pm] |
Transcribed from www.healthyplace.com
Narcissists are notoriously unsuitable for group activities of ANY kind. They immediately size up others as potential sources of narcissistic supply - or potential competitors for such. They idealize the first (suppliers) and devalue the latter (competitors). Narcissists are individualists. They regard coalitions with disdain and contempt. The need to resort to coalitions is perceived by them to be humiliating and degrading (a contemptible weakness). The way to make a narcissist respond to your wish is to present it either as an intellectual challenge or as a plea for help. Narcissists are very easy to dupe because they constantly try to dupe others. The most gullible and suggestible people on earth are con-artists. Living in a world of lie is bi-directional, the liar loses his grip on reality at least as much as the person being lied to. Narcissists of ALL shades can usually control their behavior and actions. They simply don't want to, they regard it as a waste of their precious time, a degradation. The narcissist feels both superior and entitled - regardless of his real gifts or achievements. To narcissists, all others are their inferiors, their slaves, there to cater to their needs and make their existence seamless, flowing and smooth. What narcissists CANNOT control is the void in their midst, the emotional black hole, the fact that they don't know what it is like to be human (they lack empathy). As a result, they are awkward, tactless, painful, taciturn, and abrasive. Narcissists are "evil" in an absent-minded, indifferent manner. It is not that they occupy Transylvanian castles, or plot to gorge on the blood of the innocent. They wound and hurt as a by-product of their firm belief that they are unique, that they deserve more and better, that they should not be subjected to other people's laws and should no be consumed by the mundane. Others to them are mere pawns, tools in the cosmically significant chessboard of their lives. In other words: dispensable. Narcissists are addicted to the narcissistic supply provided by crowds and by exerting authority. Narcissism drives the narcissistically afflicted to achievements. In their pursuit of narcissistic supply, narcissists will do anything - even benefit humanity. |
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